


I make you believe you are lovely - till I change my mind

by fear_her_blurryface



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Eating Disorders, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 15:24:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8672611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fear_her_blurryface/pseuds/fear_her_blurryface
Summary: A sad little story, because I'm a depressed mess and alone. Read the story with care. Stay alive, frens I-/





	

She never thought an attractive man like Josh would have interest in her. On her, which had no external attributes, which could be described as beautiful. Usually, at best.  
She was not accustomed to being noticed, and certainly not by someone like Josh. As much as she sometimes suffered to live an almost ghostly existence, it was also a kind of security. Whoever is not seen is not hurt. Too deep were the wounds she had to put all the times, when she foolishly thought, that she had the right to happiness and love, too. No, No. She did not. It was just something for beautiful people, people who were clever and smart, and all the things they were not. It was better to accept it than to suspect some stupid hope that she will ever be loved. There was simply nothing to love about her.  
And then suddenly there was Josh.  
The first time he spoke to her, she shrank in fright and looked at him incredulously. Most of all she was confused that he smiled. His warm, nougat-brown eyes glowed as if they were carrying a whole universe inside. He had a soft, friendly voice, and everything within her defended herself against the fact that it was indeed she, he spoke to. She looked to the left and to the right, but there was no one else but the brick wall behind her, where she wished to sink into.  
Why? Why had he spoken to her? Why, did he want to drink a coffee with her? She was a Nobody.  
Although she was very anxious and reserved, Josh always remained friendly. He was also not tired of persuading her to go to common ventures with him. Slowly she began to open up to him. Accidental touches went into wanted. When he embraced her and she nestled against his chest, there was nothing better for her than listening to his heartbeat. He had awakened her with his patient and warm nature from her emotional death stare, and she was infinitely grateful to him and she loved him even more. She was happy whenever she could comfort him, and his smile, when he was glad, was immeasurable.   
In their dark moments, she was haunted by their doubts. She didn’t deserve such a wonderful men like Josh. These thoughts rise again, when she first met Josh's best friend and his wife.  
Tyler and Jenna were a great couple. They were beautiful people. Just like Josh. And she knew from the first second that she could never be that beautiful, like them. She tried to make the best of the evening, though she'd would prefer to crawl and hide in a dark cave. When she came out of the toilet, she hear a conversation between Tyler and Josh, who stood apart in a corner. Tyler just asked Josh where his taste in women had remained. She froze. When Josh embarrassed silently, and didn’t respond to his friend, the realization slap her in the face that he was ashamed for her. She went to the waiter to pay for herself, murmured an apology to Jenna and left the restaurant where they had met with the couple.  
She walked slowly along the street, while the cold autumn wind blew in her face. Shortly afterwards it began to rain, but she did not care. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter at all.  
Half an hour later she heard someone call her name. She knew it could be only Josh, but she didn’t turn around. It was okay. He didn’t have to explain anything to her. She knew enough about these kinds of conversations.  
Josh had to get in her way to stop her. She looked at him resigned and sad, and whispered, "Josh, it is okay. You don’t need to explain nothing. I know what I look like. Your friend is right - "she didn’t come any further, when he hugged her tightly." No, no, he doesn’t. It is my decision, who I want to love and not his. I'm so sorry that you've heard this gibberish," he said, kissing her tenderly.  
Both were soaked by the rain now and they first rid themselves of the wet clothes, when they arrived in their small apartment. Although Josh and she had known each other for months, it was the first time he saw her home. She sent him to shower to warm up his body and gave him some jogging pants and a T-shirt, for change.  
When he returned to the living room, she was falling asleep on the couch. There were two cups of hot tea on the table, he drank a few sibs while he smiled at her. He joined her on the couch and pulled a blanket over them. He rested his head in her neck, pulling her closer to his body. Her hair smelled like a sunny autumn day. Then he fell asleep, too.  
It took her a while to recover from the affair with Tyler. She was still frightened every time Josh suggested to meet with the couple, again. And so he always went out alone to meet them. After a while, she noticed Josh was always strange when he came back from a meeting with Tyler. No matter how often she asked him what was going on, he always pretended everything was all right. A dark idea began to creep up her back, that Josh hid something. When the theme of New Year came up and Josh said there will be a party at Tyler’s and Jenna's house, she ignored her anxiety and offered him to accompany him. Josh was surprised, but was glad she wanted to come with him.  
She did it for him to make him happy and she also wanted to make sure that he didn’t have to be ashamed of her. She didn’t eat anything to get even thinner. At first Josh didn’t notice, but when he found her passed out one morning in the bathroom, he realized that something was wrong. When she regained consciousness, he just asked her when she'd eaten something last time. She lowered her eyes, shrugged, and replied that it was probably about two weeks ago. Josh raised a brow, sighed, took her by the hand and dragged her to the nearest cafe and ordered breakfast for both of them.  
She stared guiltily at her plate and played with the fork when Josh asked her to feed her to make sure she was eating something. She looked at him with big eyes and said softly, "I just wanted you not to be ashamed of me" Now Josh made big eyes and his jaw slid down. "Wait, what? Why should I be ashamed of you? "“Because I'm not like Tyler and Jenna. They're beautiful people, just like you. And I ... "" And you're beautiful, too for me, "he interrupted." Do you know what I'm ashamed of? That you think I'm ashamed of you. I do not.” "I'm sorry, I'm sorry ..."she begged and started to cry He slid over to her and took her in the arm. "Hey, all right. I'm not mad at you. I just want to know how you come up with something like that. "" Whenever you came back from Tyler, you were so strange. And I thought, maybe you regret to have me in your life and I thought ... "" Oh, God, no, "he interrupted," Tyler can be a little tiring sometimes, and I need some time to get me back in balance"" As exhausting as I am, he cannot be, "she replied with a smile and sniffed. "You're not exhausting. You are a loving challenge that I have accepted with all my heart, "he said tenderly, smiling at her warmly.  
She buried her face in his chest as she embraced him and muttered, "I didn’t deserve such a wonderful man as you." He pressed her closer to him and answered, "Yes, you did" and gave her a kiss in her hair.  
At Christmas she wanted to surprise Josh with a special gift. She knew he'd wanted a particular drum set for a very long time, but his car was old and need lots of repair, he couldn’t never save enough money to buy it. She had saved enough to fulfill this dream, and since she had a key to his apartment, she had delivered the instrument there and let it built up for him. She also picked him up from his work, so he can’t went back accidently to his apartment before handing out the presents.  
They sat at a restaurant eating, when Josh pulled out a little jewelry box and said, "Sorry, but I cannot wait to give you your present" and handed it to her. She smiled at him and opened the box carefully. In it was a pendant in the form of an angel. It was about 6 cm tall and had the elegant appearance of angelic statues you see at cemeteries. He was beautiful. "Someone who take care of you when I'm not around," Josh said, smiling as he hung her the necklace around her neck. When she hugged him, she whispered in his ear: "Yours is waiting for you in your apartment." He grinned at her and asked, "You, just with a red ribbon in your hair?" She kissed him on the nose and replied: " I can stick the red ribbon of your gift into my hair if you want "After eating, Josh could not get home quickly enough. " I guess somebody cannot wait," she teased as Josh trudged back and forth in the elevator. He paused, grinned, and with a "no," he kissed her passionately and pined her against the elevator wall. As they both stumbled through his apartment door, Josh was still busy freed her girlfriend from her coat. Only at the second glance he did see the drum set and froze in his movements and looked at them incredulously. "No," he squeaked out. "There's not what I see, that's there, isn’t it?" She grinned at him and said, "Well, I don’t know what you see, but I see a drum set standing there"  
He pressed her a kiss on the cheek and stormed over to the drum set, still circulating in disbelief. Affectionately he stroked the drums and basins. On the stool behind the drums lay three different pairs of drumsticks, which were tied with a red ribbon. She leaned against the wall and began to laugh as Josh began to dance around the drums. When he was around, he rushed back to her and literally kissed her to the ground. "Thank you" he gasped. "You're welcome," she whispered with a smile.   
When they get ready for the New Year's Eve party, she surprised Josh with a burgundy velvet dress that went up to her ankles. The neckline was not deep but wide, so she emphasized her neck in a beautiful way. Josh's silver angel, came with the dark red background of the fabric also wonderfully. "Wow" he noticed when he saw her. Then he noticed the red ribbon in her hair that was wrapped around his drumsticks a few days before. He gently ran his fingers over it and asked with a smile, "Is that a promise?" She smiled back and whispered in his ear: "You'll probably find out next year."  
They put on their coats and went to Tyler's and Jenna's house.  
The party was a challenge for her. When they arrived, there were 30 people around the house, more or less drunk. Josh introduced some of them, but she could not concentrate and had forgotten her names within minutes. She could feel the eyes of the others, who were burning in her skin, and the fear begun to close her throat. It takes all of her willpower, not to burst into tears. She did not want to be a disappointment for Josh. It was not his fault, that she is a wreck of uncertainty and self-doubt. So she did her best to make a resolved impression on him.  
The evening moved forward, and she had retreated for a few minutes to the veranda to escape the confines and heat of the house. When she returned to the living room, she froze when she heard Josh's voice say, "Yes, I know she is not a beauty but simple things can be a nice change from time to time." He sat on the couch and was surrounded by a group of people so that he did not see them. Tyler and Jenna were also among them, exchanging irritated looks. A small spark of hope still glowed in her that he did not speak about her. But when a pretty young woman said, "Come on, Jish, you can always have something better than this psycho-wreck, that you call girlfriend," she starts to feel only deep darkness around her. "Oh man, you have no idea how broken she is. She has something of an abandoned, neglected animal that you have taken home with compassion and ... "She didn’t hear the end of the sentence, as her soul froze to ice, cold, like a nuclear winter. She felt nothing, not even the tears that quietly ran down her cheeks.  
She turned away and left the house. It was snowing outside, snowflakes got caught in her hair and her dress slowly began to color white. She'd left her coat at the house, she just wanted to leave.  
She did not pay attention to where she was going and sat apathetically one step ahead of the other. Again and again Josh's words echoed in her mind. New tears flowed down her cheeks. How could she have been so incredibly stupid, and actually thought that Josh really liked her? If you are a nothing, you should remain a nothing. God, how she hated herself! That she simply did not want to learn it. She was nothing more than a silly and ugly piece of shit that used senseless space and air. She had deserved all this.  
She was torn from her thoughts when a branch pulled the red ribbon out of her hair. She looked at it as it blew in the wind and the memory of its meaning made new tears flow. She took the necklace with the angel and hung it with almost deaf fingers, to the band on the branch. There had never been anyone who had really cared about her and now it did not matter anymore. She looked around and realized she was in a forest. The full moon let the snow shine, so that she could see quite well the narrow path on which she was. Everything was only dull pain as she continued her way. She did not care where she was going and she did not care that she could barely feel her body. When she reached a small clearing, her legs gave way and she sank to the ground. She lay on her back in the snow, staring at the stars. Breathing was becoming increasingly difficult for her, and her senses began to dim. In the last few minutes before she lost consciousness, she felt peace. At last she was free.  
The first fireworks began to rise into the sky, while the snowflakes slowly began to cover her body.

 

Epilogue

 

Josh did not remember the events of the previous evening, because Josh had not been himself. Someone had done Ecstasy in his cola, which had triggered a psychotic intoxication.  
When she was found, Josh collapsed and was taken to the hospital for observation.  
In the end, he returned to his apartment, the drum set was waiting for him.  
He hung the angel on one of the drums and sat down on the stool behind the drum set. Affectionately, he stroked the red ribbon that he had tied around his left wrist.  
Tears began to run down his cheeks as memories rose in his mind. He knew that her body had frozen in the cold of winter, but her soul had frozen to ice and crumbled in pieces through his words.  
Even if he had not been master of his senses, he would never forget this.  
He would never forget her.  
He picked up the drumsticks and started playing…


End file.
